DEAR MISS MANNERS: A young cousin of mine graduated from high school this spring and will be going to college in the fall.
I asked his mother what celebrations they were planning; she responded that he didn’t seem to be interested in having a party.
I wanted to acknowledge his accomplishments, so the next time I saw him (at another cousin’s wedding reception), I presented him with a graduation card with a small monetary gift inside. His parents may not be aware of this.
Since then, I have received an invitation to a party in his honor. I don’t want to show up empty-handed, but my budget limits my generosity. What would be the best way to proceed?
GENTLE READER: The present you gave him acknowledged his graduation. What would be the purpose of a second one? To demonstrate to the graduate’s parents that you are paying for admission to the party?
The don’t-show-up-empty-handed mantra now rivals the don’t-use-the-guest-towels one: They are the rare directives that still command obedience in an otherwise lax society. People who do not respond to invitations, who feel free to criticize the menu and who never reciprocate still obey these supposed rules.
But guests are supposed to use the guest towels, and they create problems by grabbing the family towels or going without washing. And while it is charming to bring flowers or chocolates to hosts, it becomes a nuisance if every arrival hands over an odd bottle of wine or some random object, making the foyer look like a rummage shop.
Presents are voluntary. You wanted to give one to your cousin, and you did so; now decide if you want to give him a second one to impress his parents. Up to you.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I own a beachfront timeshare with two bedrooms, each with a full bath attached.
When I invite a guest, should I offer them the much larger “owner’s suite” or the very-nice-but-smaller guest suite?
Do I take my guidance from the names of these spaces, or should I give my guest the larger space?
GENTLE READER: The reason you have a guest room — a rather lush one, Miss Manners gathers — is to avoid resenting your guest for displacing you from your own room. So please put your guest in the room for guests.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: When nonprofits display lists of their donors, I’ve seen couples’ names written two ways. One way puts the female name first (e.g., Joan and James Smith) and the other puts the male name first (James and Joan Smith).
I was wondering if one is more proper than the other, or if there is a reason behind either method.
I plan to mail some invitations to several couples for a function, and I want to know which format you would suggest I use.
GENTLE READER: People who have a marked preference for one or the other are probably influenced by conflicting traditions: namely, the common “Mr. and Mrs.” form and the “ladies first” idea.
Both are in question these days, and we have not settled on a standard.
But why need your list be standardized? You should use each couple’s preferences, if you know them. And organizations that list donors would be well-advised to add a line to their donation form, asking couples how they want to be identified.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
